How to Find Peace Without ResolutionFeb 19, 2023
A few years back when I was still teaching in the studios I was standing in the lobby after class, chatting with the students that stretched and sweat through the last hour with me. It was noisy and chaotic, the colors of printed leggings and shorts swirling around me as they packed up their things, stuffed their feet into shoes and made their way to step back into the outside world beyond the studio doors.
It had been a packed class. I had veteran yogis that I saw three or four times a week. I had new students that were making their first efforts when it came to yoga at all. And, in that class I had an old student of mine that had recently become an instructor. It was a great group.
As a yoga teacher, your priority in that situation is to connect with the new students before they leave. You want to make sure they don’t have any questions about the practice, or about their account. You want to hear what they thought about the class. You want to encourage them to come back and do it again. All of the things.
But, as I stood in the sea of spandex, the older student that was now a teacher started chatting with me. I was telling her how proud I was of her for becoming a yoga teacher and following her dream. And, we were chatting about the practice and where she was looking to expand and improve.
In the middle of the chat, my new students from the previous class moved towards the door and I excused myself to say goodbye and check in with them before they left. The usual.
When I came back to the conversation there were other teachers standing with the new teacher and after a few moments the lobby was clear and it was time to pack myself up and get home.
Not long after that day the older student that had become a teacher unsubscribed from my mailing list and I no longer saw their pictures in my social media feeds. Hmm… What happened?
I racked my brain for the solution. Did I cut off the conversation with them when I shouldn’t have? Did I say something that was off-putting? Did I offend them somehow?
And, then I thought, maybe I should reach out? But, when I thought about it, it seemed super inappropriate.
I didn’t know this person that well. We didn’t meet for coffee. Or, share anything else in common with each other than the fact that we now both taught yoga.
So, I let it go. Kind of…
I would think about that last time I saw them and wonder what did I do wrong? Surely, they understood I had to reconnect with the new students before they left?
And, though this is not something I mull over often, it is on the list of odd situations with people that I don’t understand.
I think we all have that list.
The friend that completely ghosts you and you’re not sure why.
The gossip that someone was spreading about you comes around to you.
The family relationship that just won’t heal no matter what you do about it.
The neighbor that seems nice to everyone else on the block, but for some reason high tails it to their car the moment you step outside.
And, I’m going to share with you something my therapist said to me last year:
"You’re not going to get the Lifetime Movie version of closure. You have to create the closure for yourself."
There isn’t going to be this moment where you get to hear what happened and apologize for it. Or, have them apologize to you for whatever the misunderstanding is.
Because people are complicated.
And, I hope, that if you get to know me at all, you know I really am trying so, so hard not to offend, intimidate, or be off-putting.
I think we all are. I think all of us are trying so, so hard to be the best we can be for everyone in our lives.
But, no matter how hard you try, you are going to fall short for some people.
So… what do you do?
Here is how I create my own closure in these situations and hopefully leave everyone involved in a better place.
If the situation is going to be left unresolved, I sit in meditation, and after about 10 minutes I call the person into my mind’s eye. And, I see them receiving everything they’ve ever dreamed about. Every good thing under the sun. I see them happy and thriving. And, I stay there until I’m happy for them, too. Which can take a little while – especially if there are some hurt feelings involved.
It’s my way of blessing them, wishing them the best, and releasing them from my mind.
Because it puts me in a real love place for them, no matter what transpired between us.
And, just maybe if we cross paths again, things will be lighter between us, as well.
On most days I believe in reincarnation. (But, know that I am not always sold on the idea. I am a seeker above all else and my thoughts about life and spirituality are constantly evolving.)
But, the way I think about reincarnation is not linear. You’re not someone that was born in the 1880s and now came back in the 1990s. Nope.
I think its possible that you could come back as someone that’s already in your life. So, this life you’re you. And, the next life, you get to experience it as them.
The reason I like this idea of reincarnation is it gives you so much compassion for the souls around you. They could be YOU. The are YOU.
And, so, even if you’re not meant for each other in this life, or meant to be a big part of each other’s lives, whatever nonsense may transpire, you always want to release the other person with grace.
Good lord, sometimes this seems impossible. You will feel resistance – especially if whatever happened between you seems hard or hurtful.
But, I will tell you, it’s the path to peace.
For you and for them.
And, when you can release these tiny situations (that they are probably not even thinking about, but you are on an endless loop with it) you open yourself up to finding the people in your life that won’t do these tiny hurtful things to you.
They will talk to you when you get it wrong. Or, tell you that you hurt their feelings. They will be there for you when you need them. And, you’ll be there for them, too.
This is the path forward to healthy relationships and to your own inner peace.
Tori Hicks-Glogowski has been practicing yoga for almost 20 years and has been teaching for well over a decade.
With over 1000 hours of yoga education under her belt, she knows all too well how the practice of yoga can transform your life.
Beginning as a Bikram Yoga Instructor in 2011, Tori also sought out certifications in Level II Traditional Hatha Yoga and CYoga, among many others.
She is a Certified RAD Yoga Mobility Specialist with expertise in self myofascial release techniques and was a USA Yoga Coach, assisting yoga athletes to train for competition.
Her superpower is to take a student stuck in "Beginner Yoga Land," and assist them to build into something much more empowering and fun, helping them tap into their limitless possibilities on their yoga mat and in their lives.
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